Alchemic Equations
by IArguedWithGodOverEd
Summary: Chaos. Destruction. Panic. All of the essential ingrediants to a State Alchemist's life.


**_Episode One

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**I Have To…**

_'Ever notice how anime characters almost never have to use the bathroom?' _

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"I don't i need_ an _escort, Mustang!"

"I-Look, Full Metal, Scar's out there. We don't need you dying." His hand relaxed inside of his pocket, having been ready to jerk out of its hiding place and snap, only to toast the young, annoying teenage boy to a crisp.

"I can take care of myself! I don't need a stupid escort!" Edward Elric yelled in his Colonel's face.

Roy Mustang sighed. "I know Ed. I never said I wanted to give you an escort, so sit down and shut the hell up."

"Don't you tell me to shut up. I told you I don't need aWhat did you say?" His tantrum suddenly dissipated as his mind registered what the Flame Alchemist had just said.

"I said sit down and shut the hell up, which you obviously didn't hear." He said, an annoyed expression on Roy's face.

Ed fell back into his chair and the others in the room visibly relaxed, grateful that the two had not come to blows yet again.

"So then why am I here?" He persisted, unwilling to let such a matter go unexplained.

"Shut up and you'll find out." Roy wasn't very happy that he himself didn't know why they were here.

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_**The silence continued for all of five minutes, then…

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**_

"I gotta pee."

"Shut up, Ed."

"But I have to pee!" He whined, sounding like a child.

Maes snickered softly as Ed continued to whine.

"Damn it all to hell, Elric, shut up!" Roy snarled, glaring at Ed.

Ed sank into his chair, pouting.

Roy rapped his fingers on the table. Why the hell had this meeting been called? He groaned and a loud thump echoed through the room as his head hit the table.

The door opened and everybody stopped what they were doing to look up at the door.

Ed groaned as Armstrong walked in. "Geez." He whined. "Hurry up…I gotta piss!"

Armstrong stopped where he was and turned to face Edward. "Now, Full Metal, don't use such language around ladies."

Ed gave him a blank stare. "Ladies? There are no ladies here, unless you're counting Roy."

Roy scowled and was about to start yelling at Ed when he noticed that everyone (except Ed) was staring at him. "What the hell are you all staring at?"

Maes gulped loudly and pointed to someone behind Roy, his hand shaking badly.

Roy quirked an eyebrow and turned around very slowly.

Riza Hawkeye stood there, her eyebrow twitching as she glared at Edward.

Roy shivered and shook his head. "I dosonot want to be you right now, Full Metal."

Ed looked up from his drawing that he was making on the table's surface and looked at Roy. "What did I do?" He asked. His eyes shifted to Riza. "Oh hey, Hawkeye. I didn't see you there." He then went back to his drawing of what looked like a really tall rendition of himself; Envy talking to a rock, repeatedly saying 'I'm a stupid ugly monkey idiot who's high on himself.'; Maes torturing people with things about his daughter; and a teeny-tiny, chibi-Roy who was cowering in Ed's shadow, crying because Ed's rendition of himself was teasing teeny-tiny, chibi-Roy about being short.

Riza continued to glare at Ed. "Obviously." She muttered.

Ed looked up, hearing Riza say something. He cocked his head. "What's wrong, Hawkeye?"

"Oh I don't know, Ed. Maybe you said or implied that I was a guy?" She asked, her hand inching towards her gun.

Ed made another one of those blank stares. "I did? Oh, I did, didn't I!" He grinned stupidly and scratched his head. Upon seeing Riza's scowling face, his amber eyes went wide and he waved his hands in front of himself, shaking his head manically. "No I didn't! What are you talking about? I didn't say anything of the kind!"

"Really now?" She smirked. "How well do you dance, Ed?"

"Alright I guess. As long as I'm with a pretty girl….or Roy." He grinned again.

Riza whipped out her gun and pointed it at Edward. "Dance, Ed. Dance." With those words, she began shooting at Ed's feet, in effect, making Ed 'dance'.

"Aw, come on! Don't hurt me! I still have to pee!" He whined as Riza continued to shoot at him, and he continued to narrowly dodge each bullet. In this way, he learned how to dance by himself.

Roy watched this and was soon on the floor, laughing so hard that he was on the verge of tears.

"Wow. If I had known it was going to be this hectic, I'd have come sooner."

Roy looked around, now back in his seat. "Who said that?"

Envy landed on the table in a frog-like position, with one arm resting across his leg, a malicious grin on his face.

Riza had stopped shooting at Ed, having finally run out of bullets. Ed was now on the floor, whimpering and crying because he was scared shitless, yet he still had to pee.

Envy grinned, watching Ed. "Stupid shrimp. Get up and go to the bathroom if you have to go so bad."

Ed stopped whining just long enough to say, "I would if I could but I don't know where the bathroom is because I've never had to use it before!"

This made Envy stop and blink a few times. He then burst out laughing.

Ed continued to cry and Roy stared at Envy. "How'd you get here?"

Envy looked at Roy and grinned. "Magic." He responded as he leapt towards the window, landing on the window sill. He opened the window and looked back at the Alchemists in the room. "Chaos. Destruction. Panic. My work here is done." And with that, he leapt out the window.

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**_End of Episode One_**

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**_Note By the Author:_**

This is my first fan fiction I have ever written. I hope you like it! Please Review! It started out as a normal, boring, story, and then I started wondering why anime characters never have to use the bathroom. Then I stared to wonder what would happen if Ed needed to use the bathroom. By the way, if you're wondering, Envy called the meeting while he was posing as one of Roy's superior officers.


End file.
